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Announcement - Forthcoming Changes To Reality

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This is an advanced warning to users of Reality version 7.81. A major upgrade is approaching, and there are going to be some very big changes. The new version 8.1 (because 8.0 exploded yesterday when we were testing it) will include the following differences to your current reality:

1 - Mondays will no longer exist. Instead, there will be two Tuesdays each week to make up for it.

2 - "The Weekend" will be renamed "Bouncey Time", whilst the individual days, Saturday and Sunday, will be renamed "Wendy" and "Ben". "Wendy Time" will be when the most bouncing will happen, whereas "Ben" will be reserved mainly for gentle skipping sessions around the garden.

3a - Time will undergo regular cleaning sessions every 4 weeks for a duration of 3 days each session. During such cleaning sessions, Time will be replaced by an additional Space dimension, to allow normal daily goings-on to still happen. However, whenever the change-over between Time and the extra Space dimension (let's called it "George") happens, everyone will be forced to stand still for the duration of a minute (or 5 meters if you're on the George side).

3b - There will be 25 hours in each day, except Thursdays when there will only be 7. The 11 spare hours gained each week under this system will be donated to charity (a different one each week - except on every 7th week, when people will use the spare hours to dance merrily on the hilltop). Some people will "save time" in special Time Bank Accounts. "Time Thiefs" will hide in multi-storey carparks, waiting to pounce on people walking around with "too much time on their hands".

3c - The concept of "abstract concepts" will be made obsolete when a new range of "strictly defined rigid concepts that everybody understands" are introduced. It will become illegal to state that "Time is an abstract concept," and such people will be locked in underground dungeons and beaten by watch salesmen.

4 - Cows will be replaced by dfsdmhfkjsdhfksdjhfjh. Yes.

5 - "Love" will be replaced by "Like". There will be no more lovers, only likers. People will fall "in-like" with each other, and send cards to people in hospital signed, "...with like from John & Jane at the cardigan knitting factory". Compilation albums will be sold with titles such as "50 Greatest Like Songs Ever". Confused mentally-ill religious fanatics will stand on street corners shouting, "Don't worry if your life is shit, God likes you...but not quite as much as Jesus, who he covered in Marmalade that one time when we all went to Cornwall for a week in August."

6 - People with buckets on their heads will be given free skateboards.

7 - Giant man-sized cats will walk upright on hills.

8 - The word "hello" will be abolished, and instead, people will greet each other by dancing manically in front of each other with big grins on their faces.


My Other Blog: Tell the Sky

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  • From Wotton-under-Edge, Gloucestershire, United Kingdom
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