What if I'm already dead? I suggest that concept in two very different possible meanings...

Firstly, what if who I am, my spirit or whatever, has been lost? What if I've forgotten who I am, why I'm here? Years ago, everything seamed to mean something, every little thing was like a mystery. When you're a kid, nothing makes much sense, and the fun is all in finding out about life, gaining confidence in various situations. But what happens when all that disappears, and what's left is just life, just life itself? Moments of happiness, moments of stress, moments of sadness, moments of sheer joy. But no wonder, no ambition, no hunger, no desire to change anything, yet no desire to stay the same.

Secondly, on a deeper and more philosphical level, what if there really is some kind of an afterlife, and I've died and what I'm experiencing now is merely a vivid memory of what has already happened? Maybe time is an illusion anyway? So what if this HAS already happened? What does any of it mean?

But what if none of that is true, but one day the stress of life finally gets to me and my mind just stops working? What if I'm being pushed to my limit and then one day something happens which is just the last straw, and my brain just stops, and everything around me is a blur, and my heart is beating, and I feel like I'm sinking, and I feel like I'm somewhere else, and I can't walk off, because I just can't make the decision to do that, but I can't stay there and deal with the situation. What happens then? There's no button to press.

But then I realise the rediculousness of the situation, and I'm calm about it all again, because I realise none of it matters anyway. And then I notice a beautiful tree blowing in the breeze, and I'm so happy, and then I think of something which really makes me laugh. And I laugh. And I'm in heaven, euphoric almost.

This is like the constant loop my brain goes on some days, sometimes several times a day.

It's just sometimes I just don't get it. Sometimes I fail to see why things just carry on every day, and people just put up with things. I just don't understand what it all means.

But like I say, maybe if time is an illusion, maybe we're all potentially dead anyway, because life itself is like a slow death.