Ben was a quiet young man. Always kept himself to himself, his own thoughts, his own dreams, his own fantasies. He was always pleasant to people though, always a smile on his face.

But beneath all this, even unknown to him, a fire was burning. Life was taking its toll, but he didn't know it.

Then one day, a bright sunny April day, he woke up, and nothing made sense. His brain was falling apart, everything was a blur, his mind was spiralling downwards, life was out of focus. He couldn't breathe properely, his heart was racing, thoughts were fragmented and bizarre, normal functioning was impossible.

And then it happened, the explosion inside his head, and that was it, everything was just red and black and completely blurred. First he smashed the TV, then all the windows in the flat, then all the glasses and plates. He stabbed the cat, threw the dog out the window, cut off a toe and threw it at a passing paperboy.

Then he got in the car, drove 10 miles to some cliffs, and drove right off. The official verdict got it wrong though. They said "death by misadventure".

It's kind of funny though. Why? Because it wasn't his flat. Or his car.

Or his toe.

It was his cat and dog though. They used to follow him everywhere. They were tied by a piece of string.

Today Is Not Next Spring

Caricature of Autumn

When the world has no oisters in the spat factory, who done and gone it in the bin word? My I remind you that in all honesty the woods are green, greener than a dancing horse or a red boot. Gallup, gallup, gallup and stuff, like a frozen day in the sky, moon and ice and eyes.

I went shopping yesterday. Bought some new pyjamas, some indoor sports shoes for badminton, and a badminton racket. Then we went to a special health food shop to buy me some food. I was delighted when I found some tinned spaggetti which had no wheat/sugar/dairy in it. Great for those days when I can't think what else to have. And it tastes just the same too!

Today I went shopping with my dad. I bought 2 new pairs of pyjamas, a new smart shirt, some indoor sports shoes (for badminton), a badminton racket, and lots of special food from a health food shop.

I was leading a few people on a walk up a hillside at night. We came to the top of the hill, and there was a house. The door opened, and inside, two men were walking around with bondage gear on, their penises hanging out. Then a woman appeared, and invited me in. I stepped inside, the room was big, with shelves full of books. She said I had to do a test before I could be accepted. She handed me a book. I looked through. The first item was a photo of some trees. Some had brown leaves, and some had green. Underneath the photo was a caption: "The First Green Leaves of Aumtumn". I said to her, "I know the answer to this one. It is wrong because green leaves appear in Spring, not Autumn." I felt pleased with myself that I had got it right. I then went through the rest of the book, and couldn't work out the rest of it. She said they often had really interesting discussions at that house, and that I could be a part of all that if I could understand the book. Nothing else in the book made any sense. I felt inadequate. The dream ended.

Leo 

What if I'm already dead? I suggest that concept in two very different possible meanings...

Firstly, what if who I am, my spirit or whatever, has been lost? What if I've forgotten who I am, why I'm here? Years ago, everything seamed to mean something, every little thing was like a mystery. When you're a kid, nothing makes much sense, and the fun is all in finding out about life, gaining confidence in various situations. But what happens when all that disappears, and what's left is just life, just life itself? Moments of happiness, moments of stress, moments of sadness, moments of sheer joy. But no wonder, no ambition, no hunger, no desire to change anything, yet no desire to stay the same.

Secondly, on a deeper and more philosphical level, what if there really is some kind of an afterlife, and I've died and what I'm experiencing now is merely a vivid memory of what has already happened? Maybe time is an illusion anyway? So what if this HAS already happened? What does any of it mean?

But what if none of that is true, but one day the stress of life finally gets to me and my mind just stops working? What if I'm being pushed to my limit and then one day something happens which is just the last straw, and my brain just stops, and everything around me is a blur, and my heart is beating, and I feel like I'm sinking, and I feel like I'm somewhere else, and I can't walk off, because I just can't make the decision to do that, but I can't stay there and deal with the situation. What happens then? There's no button to press.

But then I realise the rediculousness of the situation, and I'm calm about it all again, because I realise none of it matters anyway. And then I notice a beautiful tree blowing in the breeze, and I'm so happy, and then I think of something which really makes me laugh. And I laugh. And I'm in heaven, euphoric almost.

This is like the constant loop my brain goes on some days, sometimes several times a day.

It's just sometimes I just don't get it. Sometimes I fail to see why things just carry on every day, and people just put up with things. I just don't understand what it all means.

But like I say, maybe if time is an illusion, maybe we're all potentially dead anyway, because life itself is like a slow death.

I saw David Lynch's Mulholland Drive for the first time recently.

Totally amazing!

Utterly confusing, deeply weird, yet extremely moving and entertaining. Just my kind of thing!

typical beautiful Gloucestershire scenery 

Find another meaning,
Find another crutch,
Find another straw to clutch,
Find it all too confusing,
Find it all too much,
Find you in my memories,
Find me locked away,
Trapped suffocating in thoughts of what I could have been
If only I wasn't like this.

River Wye (England/Wales border) 

River Wye (England/Wales border) 

Interesting House 

Autumn Sunshine

Ronald Reagan did not die in 2004, he died in 2050 after being the world's oldest man, but his body was brought back to 2004 by a time machine invented by his son's genetically modified pet rabbit George, because he was so amazing at the job and everyone thought that one day he always really liked to be the best, because the entire universe is a triangle. "A triangle?" asked George as if shocked. "Yes, a triangle," said Zippy. Then George looked amazed and then said "I thought it was a triangle" and rolled around in the grass like a mad man in tights and everyone was looking at each other as if to say "I love you more than anything!" but then something mad happened, there was a large rotating orb hovering above the cherries and the peanut butter. The new law breaking the law, breaking the law that would prevent people from the very depths of my being hit by a bottle filled with a large sausage.

Written by the members of the Head In The Clouds message board via the Hidden Text Story Game.

I once saw a bus driver who looked a bit like that man on the telly.